


Excerpts from the Life and Death of Commander E. Shepard (Cerberus SR-2)

by ChickPea92



Series: Kaidan Alenko & Ellen Shepard [1]
Category: Mass Effect
Genre: Alcohol, Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Angst, Drug Addiction, Drug Use, Established Relationship, Explicit Language, F/M, Friendship, Hurt, Violence
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-04-22
Updated: 2015-04-29
Packaged: 2018-03-25 07:38:09
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 7,710
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3802237
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ChickPea92/pseuds/ChickPea92
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A series of fics centred around the life of Commander Ellen Shepard.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Shepard's Destruction

**Author's Note:**

> This series will be updated randomly and completely out of order until I deem it finished. The way they're being posted on Tumblr makes more sense; I apologise!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Shepard post-Horizon.

Shepard sat in the shuttle, eyes wide and glazed over, as she stared at the wall in front of her.

_What the hell just happened?_

He was there, Kaidan had been standing right in front of her, yet here she was alone; empty.

“Shepard, you wanna talk abo - ”

“No.”

Garrus meant well but she didn’t want to talk about the humiliation she’d just endured. Only mere hours ago Shepard had been smiling for the first time since she’d awoken in that damned Cerberus lab. She’d gone straight to Garrus with the good news, talking to him animatedly about how excited she was to see Kaidan again, so sure that everything would be okay once she saw him.

He’d lulled her into a false sense of hope with that hug. Why had he even done it? Was it a ‘I’m about to treat you like shit’ hug? Even with their bulkier armour on they’d still fit each other perfectly, she felt like she’d come home. And now she was being chucked out.

The shuttle finally arrived back at the Normandy and Shepard didn’t stop to remove her armour by the airlock as normal. She had to get away. From the awkward silence and judging looks she got as she made her way to the elevator it was safe to assume that everyone had seen and heard the exchange between the two former crew mates and figured out they were more than that. She was pissed at Kaidan but more than that she was mortified. She’d opened herself up to him and put it all out there and everyone had seen it. And then they’d seen how he’d rejected her. If she couldn’t even keep the man who supposedly loved her how the hell was she ever going to do something like defeat the Collectors?

“Commander, you have new messages at your - ”

“Not. Now.”

She was getting tired of Chambers always telling her about her God damn messages. She was more than capable of checking them herself.

Shepard walked into the elevator and slammed the button to her cabin. The second the doors shut she threw her helmet across the enclosed space and it smashed against the wall. She took several deep breaths, this wasn’t the time to breakdown and she wouldn’t allow it. She leant her hands against the wall in front of her and balled them up into tight fists. The elevator stopped at her destination but she didn’t get out, part of her knew that once she stepped into the privacy of her own quarters she wouldn’t be able to hold back any longer.

Reluctantly she stooped to retrieve her helmet and checked for any damage on her way into the cabin. All she wanted to do was shower and wash off the stench of Horizon but she felt like all of her energy had been drained from her. She slowly started to peel her armour off and leave it in a pile on the floor. With each piece that came off she felt her walls crumbling around her, tears stung at the back of her eyes and her lip was quivering like a pathetic child. When she was left in just her underwear she stood and let the glow of the fish tank wash over her. Her fish were dead, again, like it was some kind of sick metaphor for her life.

Shepard pressed the button to clear out the deceased fish before heading into the bathroom. She turned the shower on to let it warm up and spun around to look at herself in the mirror. She barely recognised herself; it was like something out of a nightmare. She ran her fingers over the deep scars that constantly illuminated her face. Chakwas said she could fix them, but she’d also said that with a good outlook on life they’d fade away, so Shepard hadn’t bothered, assuming they’d go away with time. Except it was becoming painfully clear that she didn’t make ‘good’ choices. She was sure her scars weren’t this bad when she’d first caught a glimpse of her face after waking up, and her eyes definitely didn’t have such a red glow to them.

The mirror had begun to mist up and Shepard was reminded of her waiting shower. She stripped herself of her remaining clothing and stepped into the running water, enjoying the way it scolded her skin, and it was as though the water was eroding away the final barrier between herself and reality as she began to cry. She gave in to the feelings she’d been keeping at bay since Kaidan turned his back on her on Horizon and it was so unbelievably _painful_. She’d taken a whole armoury’s worth of bullet wounds, been beaten to a pulp and suffocated to death in space, but none of that made her heart ache in such an unbearable way. She clenched her eyes shut and let her forehead fall onto the tiled wall with a thud. She let the water wash away her tears, not wanting to know how many she was shedding for that bastard, and cried out in shaky breaths. Her hands instinctively clutched at her chest, desperate to stop the consuming pain in her heart, but it refused to yield.

She couldn’t breathe. Her heart raced as she tried to suck in air but the bathroom was so full of steam it was almost impossible. Panicked, she grabbed a towel and stumbled out into the main cabin area. She inhaled the fresh air as best she could between hiccups and sniffing. She felt so weak, like she was falling apart, and slumped against the wall opposite her desk. How did this happen? Commander Shepard wasn’t supposed to get attached, she’d never let a man dictate her feelings. Unless she wasn’t actually Commander Shepard.

She shook her head at that thought, not wanting to go down that endless rabbit hole. Her breathing began to return to normal as she rubbed at her swollen eyes, suddenly realising how exhausted she was. Her gaze fell on the picture of Kaidan she’d decided to put on her desk. Stupid sentimental shit. She spied the bottle of whiskey next to it; Kaidan’s favourite. She’d been a fool and gone to the Citadel to buy it once the Illusive Man had told her he was on Horizon, so convinced he would drop everything to be with her again. Why hadn’t he been happy to see her? She’d died and come back to life. He should have been happy, right?

She stood up and marched over to the picture. Kaidan could fuck off. She wasn’t going to let this happen again. Emotions always get in the way and stop the job from getting done. She reached out to grab the frame, wanting to throw it across the room, but her hand went straight past it and grabbed the bottle of whiskey instead.

She’d forget the rest of the evening by the following morning, the only evidence being an empty bottle by the side of her bed.


	2. Jack's Badass Commander

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jack and Shepard on a night out in Illium.

Jack didn’t often get excited about things. In fact she usually made a conscious effort to give off the ‘I don’t give a shit’ vibe at all times, something Shepard seemed to be a pro at. But when she heard those sweet, sweet words uttered from the Commander’s lips she couldn’t help the excitement that bubbled up inside her.

“Joker, set a course for Illium.”

“Yes! It’s about time Shepard, feels like forever since we got fucked up with the Asari.”

Shepard smirked at her. Jack used to like that smirk, she looked so badass when she did it right before punching some asshole in the face, but nowadays it was just fucking creepy. The scars on her face would split apart even more than normal, leaking out that synthetic glow, and her eyes, well, Jack couldn’t remember what colour they used to be. But she didn’t really care, once she’d figured out that Shepard had no interest in helping Cerberus she was more than happy to be a permanent part of her ground team. Plus it was hilarious to see how fucked up she could get Shepard on Illium.

“I’m gonna go finish some business, I’ll meet you by the airlock in an hour.”

“Anyone else coming with us this time?”

Jack already knew the answer. Other people came to begin with as it was a great way to let off steam but slowly everyone started to decline the invites, so much so that Shepard didn’t even bother asking anyone else anymore. Garrus was the only one to stick around longer but eventually he shut himself away in the main battery after he and Shepard had some big fight.

“What do you think.” She stood waiting for the elevator doors to open.

“Guess they’re not as hard core as us, huh? Whatever, we don’t need them. I’m gonna head down and sort out my hair, ha!”

Comments like that used to get at least a small smile from the Commander, not so much these days. Shepard didn’t say anything, just stared straight ahead in front of her before entering into the elevator without a word.

Jack made her way into the armoury figuring she could install a couple of mods to her submachine gun whilst she waited but was stopped in her tracks by an outstretched arm in front of her.

“Ugh, what is it Cheerleader?”

She still couldn’t stand the bitch. Miranda was always there trying to stick her nose into everything, infecting it with her Cerberus stench.

“You’re a bad influence on the Commander.”

Jack rolled her eyes. Was she fucking serious?

“Are you fucking serious? Shepard’s a big girl, she does whatever the hell she wants, we’ve all seen that.”

“And I’ve seen the way you encourage her when you’re at a bar on Illium. You’re preying on her vulnerability for your own entertainment.”

“Vulnerability? Are you kidding me? Just get out of my way.”

“Shepard’s not as strong as you think. You were with her on Horizon, I would have thought you’d know it better than anyone.”

Jack shoved Miranda’s arm out of the way, glaring at her as she passed. Yeah, Shepard had admitted to her on a drunken night that she and that asshole Alenko had been a thing, but there’s no _way_ the great Commander Shepard would let a guy get to her like that. Shepard was the most badass person she’d ever met and nothing could break her.

* * *

 

The bar was just as packed as normal but thankfully she and Shepard had become such regulars that they’d acquired their own booth in a corner. People had eventually given up trying to ask if they could join them, each one enduring the trademark glare from the Commander. The place they were in was one of the biggest on Illium and attracted all kinds of species. But most of all it was known for having the largest selection of alcohol and drugs in the galaxy.

They’d already been drinking for well over an hour and Jack had definitely begun to feel the effects. She slumped back in the booth and stared out at the dance floor. Everyone was either drunk or high, shit probably both, and she enjoyed being one of them, being able to forget about all the fucked up shit that was going down back on the Normandy.

Shepard waved over their usual waitress.

“Hey, can I get some extras over here?”

“The usual, Commander?” The overly polite Asari knew them well by now.

“No, I’m looking for something a little stronger tonight.” This wasn’t a good sign; Shepard was going straight for the hard stuff before Jack had even egged her on to do it.

“I know just the thing, Commander, I won’t be a moment.”

“Add a round of shots to that too.” Shit, she wasn’t holding back tonight. But hey, at least Cerberus was paying for it.

“Of course, Commander.” The waitress gave them both a sickly sweet smile and walked off to the bar.

Jack could drink as much as she wanted thanks to her incredible biotics but didn’t go near the drugs. She’d done it once with Shepard the first time but it had completely fucked up her biotic abilities for days, forcing her to be left behind during missions and she couldn’t stand being left out of the action.

She thought about bringing up what Miranda had said earlier. Jack always found that Shepard was more open when they were off the ship, said it was full of Cerberus bugs and she was certain there was a mole on board, other than Miranda, obviously.

The Asari brought over their order; shot glasses filled with alcohol lined the outside of the round tray with a shiny chrome box in the middle. Shepard thanked the waitress and immediately grabbed the box from the tray, opening it up to reveal several bags of assorted coloured powders. She picked out a dark green one and poured a little on the table in front of her.

“Heh, you know, Miranda said something stupid to me before we left today.” Shepard didn’t look up and acknowledge her, too focused on cutting the powder with her credit chit. “She said I was a bad influence on you and basically said you were like, weak-willed or some shit. How stupid is that?”

Shepard pulled a small thin tube out of her pocket and leant over the table, when she lifted her head back up both lines of whatever the hell it was were gone. Jack downed two of the shots from the tray. Shepard closed her eyes and inhaled a deep breath through her nose, her head thrown back, before answering her.

“I dunno, I mean the only reason I came to this place was ‘cause you said it would be a good idea.”

“Well, yeah, but you didn’t have to keep coming back. It’s your choice, right?” Jack was beginning to feel anxious and wasn’t sure if it was because of the alcohol or the conversation.

“Not really, I come back because I need to. Blocks out all the shit going on in here.” She tapped at the side of her head.

She’d never been this honest with her before, must have been the stronger drugs mixed with the amount of alcohol, so Jack risked another question.

“You mean Alenko?”

Shepard visibly tensed at the question and Jack wondered if she was finally going to feel the force of Commander Shepard’s fist. She sat back in the booth and turned her head to look at the biotic, red eyes blazing at her unnervingly.

“Yeah. I mean Alenko. But hey, that’s what this is for right?” She held up a shot glass full to the brim with some kind of neon liquid. “Here’s to getting so fucked up that you forget your own fucked up life.”

She watched Shepard chuck back the shot and Jack suddenly felt sick with guilt. Was this her fault? Had she pushed Shepard too far? She’d assumed that the former Spectre was able to handle anything; she’d taken down Saren for God’s sake!

She bent forward to tip more of the powder out and Jack no longer felt content in just sitting and watching, how did she ever enjoy this before?

“Hey, maybe you’ve had enough, yeah? Let’s just head back to the Normandy.”

The small pile of powder had once again disappeared.

“Excuse me?” Shit, she was pissed.

“It’s just, you know, we gotta go do some crap for Jacob tomorrow. Him and his daddy issues.”

“I’m sorry, did you suddenly become Commander of the Normandy when I wasn’t looking?”

Another two shots downed.

“Shepard, that’s not what I…fuck, maybe the rest of the crew are right to be worried about you.”

Jack knew the words were a mistake as soon as they’d left her mouth.

“I don’t need anyone worrying about me! I’m sick and tired of everyone treating me like a fucking child!” She was shouting but no one else noticed above the booming music in the bar. “If you wanna go back to the ship so bad, then fuck off and go!”

“No way, I should stay here with you.”

Jack couldn’t just leave her in this state, she felt responsible now, and with her in this kind of mood who knew what she was going to do.

“That was an order.” Jack frowned at her words, she’d never felt the need to order her around before. “I don’t need a damn babysitter. Now get out of my booth.”

She opened her mouth to argue with her but she saw Shepard’s hand slide down to her holstered pistol. This was an argument she was never going to win and reluctantly got up from her seat. She left her alone in the bar as she wished but turned back to look before she reached the door. The remaining shot glasses were empty and Shepard was busily organising her next fix. Jack pressed a finger to her earpiece.

“Hey, EDI, you hear me?”

“ _Yes, Jack_.”

“You think you could pretend there’s an emergency on board the Normandy or something in about a half hour and let Shepard know?”

“ _You want me to lie to the Commander?_ ”

“No, I want you to stop her from getting completely fucked up.”

“ _I do not unders -_ ”

“Just do it, EDI!”

“ _As you wish, Jack._ ”


	3. Cerberus Private Intelligence Files

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Excerpts from Ellen Shepard’s time on the SR-2.

/loaddata SR2_PRIVATE_INTELLIGENCE_FILES…INPROGRESS  
/loaddata SR2_PRIVATE_INTELLIGENCE_FILES…SUCCESSFUL

WARNING: FILES CORRUPTED

/runcrypt SR2_PRIVATE_INTELLIGENCE_FILES…SUCCESSFUL

* * *

 

[[USER : COMMANDER ELLEN SHEPARD]]

So I’ve had a little time to think about what just happened on Horizon between the two of us, and can I just say, fuck you. Fuck you, _Staff Commander_ Alenko, you piece of shit.

How dare you say that what we had wasn’t real; that I betrayed you. You have no idea what I’ve gone through since I woke up. But you didn’t even want to know. You turned your back on me and left me standing there like a fucking idiot.

I don’t even know why I’m writing this, I have nowhere to send it to. Maybe one day I’ll show it to you so you can see how much you hurt me. I hope you’re in as much pain as I am right now.

* * *

 

[[USER : COMMANDER ELLEN SHEPARD]]

Ok, so I just looked back at my message and maybe I was a little harsh. I get it, you’re Alliance, of course you weren’t gonna come with me, but I was Alliance too. I still am inside, but they’re not doing shit to help defeat the Reapers, they’re just burying their heads in the sand.

I’m still trying to get Miranda to find some kind of way to contact you. Like I’ve been doing ever since I woke up. I hope you haven’t given up on me.

* * *

 

AUDIOLOG29_JEFF MOREAU

_CHAMBERS: So, Jeff, er, sorry, Joker, how have you been doing?_

_MOREAU:_ _I get to fly again, so pretty great._

_CHAMBERS: That’s good to hear, but, personally, emotionally, how are you?_

_MOREAU: Er, yeah, I’m ok. Listen, I thought I didn’t have to do anything of this crap, no offense._

_CHAMBERS: None taken. And whilst it is true that you do not have to participate in these sessions as often as other crew members, I am still required to assess you. It’s all for the safety of the crew, you understand._

_MOREAU: Yeah, I guess. What do you want to know? Did I have any daddy issues? Mom hit me as a kid?_

_CHAMBERS: Not exactly. I was more wondering about how your relationship with the Commander was doing?_

_MOREAU: …why do you wanna know about that?_

_CHAMBERS: You both served on the SR-1 together and when it got destroyed...well…_

_MOREAU: Oh, I see. You wanna know how bad things are between us because I got her killed, right? Well, I’m pretty sure she hates me. She won’t look at me and barely talks to me. That’s the worst thing the Commander can do, indifference. She punches people all the time and that’s what I want her to do to me, but she won’t. I’m not worth it in her eyes. Just some stupid cripple pilot who got her killed and ruined her life. Happy now?_

_CHAMBERS: …maybe we should end this session for now._

* * *

 

[[USER : COMMANDER ELLEN SHEPARD]]

I’m so glad you decided to get in contact with me to let me know you’d tried to go and fuck some doctor on the Citadel. Thanks for informing me about that.

I can’t believe I started to forgive you.

Do I remember the night before Ilos? Are you fucking kidding me? Yeah, I remember, it’s the one memory I’ve been clinging on to this whole time. I can’t believe you think that meant nothing to me, after everything we talked about. I remember telling you how much I hated that so many of the crew thought I was some cold, heartless bitch after hearing what I’d done on Torfan. I told you that I wanted to change, wanted to get to know my crew so they didn’t become expendable in my mind like they’d done in the past. Yet you still think that I just fucked you for the hell of it?

I’ve been an Alliance soldier for the most part of my life so you should know how difficult it was for me to break regs with you. That’s how much you meant to me. But I guess you mean nothing to me now, since clearly that’s how you feel about me.

The address you sent your message from was encrypted, so I guess I’m still not sending this God damn message.

* * *

 

<to: Ellen Shepard>

<from: Miranda Lawson>

 

_< to: Miranda Lawson>_

_< from: Ellen Shepard>_

_I lvoe you Kaidn. Pleas come bak to me i need you here wit me. the drinkin isnt mking the pain go awy._

_\- s_

 

Shepard, I’m assuming you sent this to me to send to Commander Alenko. However, as you already know, I do not have any available contact information for him. I am also assuming that considering you were inebriated at the time you composed this message that it would be unwise for me to send it anyway.

I suggest having a session with Yeoman Chambers.

-Miranda

* * *

 

[[USER : COMMANDER ELLEN SHEPARD]]

I don’t know why I’m still writing these things. Maybe because I don’t have anyone to talk to about this kind of stuff anymore. I would talk to Garrus but he’s changed. Not sure if it’s for the better or not.

We took some shore leave on Illium for a while. Did you know they pretty much legalise everything there? Well I do now.

The stuff they sell there eases the pain better than the alcohol.

* * *

 

[[USER : COMMANDER ELLEN SHEPARD]]

Can’t look at myself in the mirror anymore. Chakwas said the scars will fade if I have a better outlook on life. Fuck that. Any form of empathy went out the window after Horizon. The only thing I care about is killing the Collectors. Everyone else can go fuck themselves.

Especially you.

* * *

 

<to: Miranda Lawson>

<from: Kelly Chambers>

Miss Lawson,

I have tried coercing the Commander into having more sessions with me as you asked but she is extremely determined not to have them. I have made do with asking a subtle question every now and then whilst she looks over the galaxy map. But I must agree with you that her attitude towards the missions is becoming considerably more troubling, often choosing violence over diplomacy.

As for your worries about any possible incidents that may have occurred during the Commander’s surgeries with Cerberus I doubt that they are the problem. Her mind and outlook on life was on par with her time on the SR-1 when I first interviewed her, however it drastically changed after the mission on Horizon. I suspect that the rejection she received from Staff Commander Alenko is the primary reason for this change. We have no intel suggesting that the two of them were in an intimate relationship. Do you know more on this?

-Kelly

* * *

 

CERBERUSMESSENGER.EXE

LOGON USER:0127.03

T: _What happened to Shepard? She looks awful._

G: _Yeah, welcome aboard the Normandy SR-Insane._

T: _Seriously, Garrus, she’s not like the Shepard I used to know. She’s not even the one I saw on Freedom’s Progress._

G: _Ask Miranda for the files on Horizon._

T: _Horizon? What happened there?_

G: _Kaidan happened_

T: _You guys saw Kaidan? But he’s not here._

G: _Yeah, exactly._

T: _Oh._

* * *

 

[[USER : COMMANDER ELLEN SHEPARD]]

Illium seems to be a regular stop on our travels now. Jack’s the only one who joins me. Pretty sure all the stuff I’m taking makes my scars and eyes worse but who cares. Scares the shit out of people so I guess it’s working to my advantage.

I sometimes wonder where you are, what you’re doing. I don’t let those thoughts linger for too long though. That’s usually about the time I set a course for Illium.

Oh hey, I didn’t say, I met that guy Conrad Verner in a bar. He was trying to act all tough. I shot him in the foot. Kind of wish you’d been there to see it.

* * *

 

<to: Ellen Shepard>

<from: Dr. Chakwas>

Shepard, I’m worried about you. Why won’t you have the surgery to fix your scars? I’m not an idiot, I know this has something to do with Alenko. There’s nothing I can do to fix that, but I can at least fix your face.

Please, let me help you. Let us all help you.

K. Chakwas

* * *

 

ENHANCED_DEFENSE_INTELLIGENCE LOG2245

WARNING: COMMANDERSHEPARD VITAL SIGNS = LOW

/activatealarm_medbay

/open_elevatordoors

/allowaccess_captainscabin

/unlock_captainscabin

/unlock_emergencyaidcabinet

CHAKWAS INQUIRY: COMMANDERSHEPARD RECENT DRUG INTAKE?

/scan_videofeed_1h

EDI RESPONSE: POSITIVE

* * *

 

[[USER : COMMANDER ELLEN SHEPARD]]

So I guess we’re headed into the Omega 4 Relay in a couple of hours. I still hate you. But I wish you were here.

God, I miss you so fucking much and I hate that.

* * *

 

<to: Miranda Lawson>

<from: Kaidan Alenko>

Miranda,

This is the third message I’ve tried to send you. I don’t know whether you’re ignoring me or if you’re just not getting these, but please, at least let Shepard know I’ve tried to contact her. We left things in a bad way back on Horizon and…I just want her to know I’m thinking of her.

I saw a vid of her the other day and she didn’t look great. I’m worried.

I’ll try contacting you again in a couple of days.

Commander Alenko

 

MESSAGE:DELETED

BLOCK USER: Y / N?

Y


	4. Facing the Consequences

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Shepard finds out she has to turn herself over to the Alliance. Meanwhile Jack's found out more about Shepard's past than she let on.

Shepard looked around the briefing room where her squad mates were packed into every corner possible; Grunt taking up most of the room.

“Alright, I think that’s everyone.” She looked down at her hands splayed out on the table in front of her. “As I’m sure you’re all aware Admiral Hackett was on board a couple of hours ago. He heard about the Bahak system and came to speak to me in person. Whilst he agrees that what I did needed to be done he says I need to turn myself into the Alliance when the time comes. And I plan on doing that.”

A few people shifted around the room but everyone stayed silent. She didn’t know whether they were speechless or just too afraid to say something that might piss her off.

“Obviously I don’t want anyone else getting caught up in this mess, so, everyone needs to give Yeoman Chambers a destination where they’d like to be dropped off by the end of the day.”

She scanned the room of the people she’d begrudgingly come to trust, everyone kept their eyes down, but no one protested.

“I…I guess that’s it. Dismissed.”

Everyone filed out of the room without a word; all except two. Jack and Zaeed stood on either side of her, expressions of confusion, Jack’s more of disgust. She wasn’t surprised to find that her two closest and most outspoken crew members would be the ones to object.

“Are you fucking kidding me?” Jack leaned her head forward, forcing herself into Shepard’s field of view. “The Alliance has treated you like shit ever since you woke up and you’re just going to hand yourself into them?”

Shepard sighed and finally looked up at Jack.

“What do you want me to do? Become some kind of pirate?”

“Hell yeah! Why not?” She started to pace back and forth across the room. “I hated you at first, but now you’re like…a friend, a close one, and…and I kind of assumed I’d be sticking with you for a long time, you know.”

Shepard’s face softened at her friend’s anguish. She wished she could take Jack with her, she was the first real friend she’d had since her gang days, but she was an ex-convict and needed to stay away from Alliance HQ.

“That’s not me. You didn’t know me before all this; I was Alliance through and through, still am. And as fun as it is gallivanting around the galaxy doing whatever the hell we want, I kind of miss the rules and regulations of the Alliance.”

“Bullshit. You’re doing this for that bastard, Alenko, and that’s it.”

Shepard looked back down at the table. Of course Kaidan had been in her mind when she’d made the decision. Maybe if he saw how dedicated she still was to the Alliance he’d understand; give her another chance. It might be a foolish thing to hope for but at least it gave her a little purpose now that the Collectors were gone.

She heard Jack scoff from the other side of the room.

“I looked you up on the extranet; I know the shit you’ve done. Even the _incident_ that led you to join the Alliance.”

A wave of panic washed over her. No one else knew about that except Anderson. How the fuck did she know and who else knew?

“Yeah, that’s right, I’ve got contacts too.”

“Jack, you don’t understa - ”

“Whatever, I’m done.”

Jack threw her arms up in the air in exasperation and stormed out of the briefing room. Zaeed stayed next to her; unmoving and silent.

“Got something to say too, Massani?”

“I’m not gonna to try and talk you out of it, that would be pointless, but I think you’re fucking naïve if you think you’re gonna get a slap on the wrist and then welcomed back into the Alliance with open arms.”

“Hackett said it would be done in a couple of weeks; a month tops.”

“They also said they didn’t know where your precious Lieutenant was.”

She shot a glare at the old merc but couldn’t deny the fact that he was right. That was a different situation though, he’d been on a classified mission, and the majority of soldiers in the Alliance wouldn’t have been allowed to know either.

“You’re free to do whatever you want, Shepard. I’ll probably head back to Omega now that Santiago’s out of the way.” He headed to leave but stopped just before reaching the door. “Just don’t be surprised when everything goes tits up.”

* * *

 

They’d dropped off almost all of the crew at the Citadel, a few others to Omega. Tali went back to the migrant fleet and Grunt to Tuchanka. Shepard didn’t leave the ship to say goodbye to Samara on Illium.

Only Joker and a skeleton crew remained. And Jack. She refused to leave and a small part of Shepard was glad to have someone stick with her. They’d been playing a hand of poker in the cargo hold when the call came in. Joker’s voice echoed through the room.

“Commander, it’s time.”

She knew this day would come but it didn’t stop nerves filling her stomach.

“Shit. Alright, set a course for Earth.”

“Aye-aye, Commander.”

Jack threw the cards down on the makeshift table between the two of them.

“You’re really doing this, huh?”

“I said I would, didn’t I?”

“Yeah,” Jack huffed and leant back against the wall, “but I kind of figured we’d be long gone before they called you in.”

“Not this time.”

Shepard reached out with a shaky hand to gather the cards, flexing the muscles in her hand, willing it to stop.

“So, the withdrawal’s starting to kick in, huh?”

She didn’t want to talk about it. It’d been almost two weeks since her stash ran out and it was worse than she could have ever imagined. Cold sweats plagued her every night, her whole body wouldn’t stop trembling sometimes, and then there were the thoughts she’d sought to block out in the first place.

Shepard wanted to change the subject but the only other topic she could think of was something equally as uncomfortable, but she had to ask.

“Jack, the other day, when you said about how you knew what got me into the Alliance. How - ”

“Look, Shepard, I shouldn’t have said that, that was a dick move. I’m hardly one to judge.”

“But how did you - ”

“A guy at the prison used to boast about how he bossed the great Commander Shepard around back in the Tenth Street Reds. Said you were told to kill some kid you knew.”

Shepard closed her eyes. She hadn’t thought about that day for years.

“When I had access to the extranet plus Cerberus’ files I put all the reports together.”

She rubbed at her forehead, trying to push the images away. He’d been her best friend since they were kids, only a couple of years younger, but it was him or her. When the leader of the Tenth Street Reds told you to do something, you did it.

“Anderson hid it well.” Shepard muttered.

He’d told her he’d keep it their secret if she signed up when she came of age. Turns out he’d helped a lot of kids off the streets that way.

“Obviously not well enough.”

* * *

 

Shepard frowned at the armed guards standing either side of Hackett.

“Is this really necessary?”

“It’s just formality, Shepard, you understand.”

He turned and nodded to the solider on his right who then proceeded to produce a set of handcuffs from his pocket. She instinctively back away.

“I came here willingly. I’m not under arrest!” Hackett looked away from her sheepishly. “Fuck. I am aren’t I?”

“I’m sorry, Shepard. Alliance HQ wants to do a full trial.”

“But you said…”

The guard used her moment of confusion to clip the cuffs around her wrists. Hackett still wouldn’t look at her.

“Take her to the car.”

The smug looking solider tugged at her cuffs and she stumbled forward.

“What about the remaining crew?” The other guard asked.

“Put them in the other car, but only if they’re willing. Shepard’s the only one under arrest.”

At least he kept his word on that subject. Shepard cursed herself as Zaeed’s words echoed through her mind. Smug bastard.


	5. Private Logs of Kaidan Alenko

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Excerpts from the logs of Kaidan Alenko post-Sovereign

**Shepard’s Memorial**

To: K. Alenko

Alenko,

We’re holding a memorial for Shepard this time next week, I thought you’d want to know. If you’re up to it the Alliance would like you to make a speech. Doesn’t have to be anything long or incredibly meaningful but you were the one closest to her on the Normandy. Speaking of which, I’ve made sure that any _personal_ files in Shepard’s logs have been deleted.

Hold in there, son.

-Anderson

* * *

 

**RE: Making a move**

To: G. Vakarian

Garrus, it’s fine, I didn’t expect you to stick around since you’re not Alliance. Hell, you’ve stuck around longer than anyone else. Thanks for coming to the memorial by the way, it’s a shame only you and Liara could make it. Shepard would have been glad to see you guys there.

Take care,

Kaidan

* * *

 

**< no subject>**

To: J. Moreau

Why did you leav her behnd. This is al your fault. You killd her.

* * *

 

**< no subject>**

To: <no recipient>

I miss you, Shepard. It’s been 3 months but it feels more like 3 years.

I hate that I was the one to make it off the ship but not you. The galaxy needs you. _I_ need you. They don’t want some worn down Lieutenant.

I didn’t react well when I saw Joker in his pod without you. If it wasn’t for his Vrolik Syndrome I would have happily beaten the life out of him. I took out my anger on the pod itself instead, it was just a heap of metal by the time I’d finished. Gave me a nose bleed from using my biotics too.

I don’t know why I’m writing this but I just needed somewhere to say these things to you.

I’d give anything to have you back with me. Anything.

I love you, and I wish I’d told you that.

\--Kaidan

* * *

 

**I’m fine**

To: Mom

Stop worrying, Mom, I’m doing fine. The Alliance is keeping me busy with paperwork for now. They said it’s too soon for me to head back out.

Yes, I was close to the Commander, and no, I don’t want to talk about it. I’ve done enough talking with the councillor to last a life time.

I’ll come visit you and Dad in a couple of weeks.

Love you, Kaidan

* * *

 

**< no subject>**

To: <no recipient>

I can’t believe I’ve been writing these things for almost a year now. Seems kind of stupid when I look back on it. Maybe I’ve been hoping that one day you’ll come back to me and read them.

I stayed with my parents for a couple of months whilst on leave from the Alliance. My mom saw these messages to you. She doesn’t think it’s healthy, says I shouldn’t have stopped seeing the councillor. Maybe she’s right, maybe I should try and move on.

Just not now. I’m not ready to say goodbye yet.

* * *

 

**RE: Last night was fun!**

To: G. Joy

Georgia, I had a great time last night too. It was good to get out again. I’ve got a lot of stuff going on right now but maybe we could go out again sometime soon? I know a great sushi place on the Citadel.

I look forward to seeing you again,

Kaidan

* * *

 

**Goodbye**

To: <no recipient>

Shepard, it’s about time I let you go. It’s been over a year and you’re not coming back. You’re dead. That was the hardest thing the councillor had to get me to do: admit to myself that you died and that you’re no longer here. You’re not coming back and I need to let go.

I love you, I always will, and you’ll forever have a special place in my heart.

Goodbye, Shepard.

* * *

 

**Congratulations!**

To: K. Alenko

Congratulations on your promotion, sweetie! Your father and I are so proud. Staff Commander Alenko! It sounds so impressive. I’m sure all the girls will want a date with a Staff Commander of the Alliance. Whatever happened to that doctor of yours? She was nice, a little ditzy, but nice.

It’s coming up to the two year anniversary of your crash. I hope you’re doing ok.

Give us a call soon!

Lots of love,

Mom and Dad

* * *

 

**Alliance Meeting**

To: K. Alenko

Commander Alenko,

We need you to attend a top priority meeting tomorrow morning at 0700. There have been some disturbing rumours circulating concerning Commander Shepard, as I’ve no doubt you’ve heard, and a conference call is being set up for all those directly involved.

This information is strictly classified on a need to know basis. I would appreciate you keeping the knowledge of this meeting private.

We’ll see you tomorrow morning,

Admiral Steven Hackett

* * *

 

**Deployment to <classified>**

To: K. Alenko

Dear **Staff Commander Alenko**

You are ordered to attend a meeting in Alliance HQ at **0800** on **6/11/2185** regarding your deployment to **< classified>**.

Alliance Administration,

Alliance HQ,

Vancouver

* * *

 

**[DELETED] Draft to Shepard**

To: E. Shepard

Shepard,

I didn’t react well on Horizon and I’m sorry. It was such a shock to see you and I guess everything just came out at once. There’d been a lot of rumours going around the Alliance about you and even the brass said you were working for Cerberus, no one even mentioned that you’d been dead the whole time.

I still love you and always will.

\--Kaidan

* * *

 

**[DELETED] Draft to Shepard (2)**

To: E. Shepard

Commander,

I apologise for how things went down on Horizon. I didn’t act professionally and I shouldn’t have said those things in front of your crew. Your Cerberus crew. Which is what you are now I guess.

You’ve been dead for two years and part of me wishes it had stayed that way. Everything’s so messed up now. I get that things must be serious if you’re betraying the Alliance like this but I just can’t believe you’d stoop this low. And to drag Garrus into it too?

I’m not sure I know who you are anymore.

* * *

 

**Shepard on Horizon**

To: D. Anderson

Anderson, did you know I’d see Shepard when you put me on Horizon? Why didn’t you just tell me? I was totally unprepared.

I guess the rumours were right about her working for Cerberus though. Have you spoken to her? Is she not willing to come back to the Alliance at all? I know Shepard, she’s Alliance through and through, I don’t get why she’s doing this.

Keep me posted on her movements.

\--Alenko

* * *

 

**Thank You**

To: M. Lawson

Miss Lawson,

Thank you for forwarding Commander Shepard’s contact details to me, I really appreciate it. And I understand your obvious hostility towards me in your reply as I have no doubt that you know what happened on Horizon, and that you most likely read the message I sent Shepard. Just know that I never meant to hurt her.

Regards,

Commander Alenko

* * *

 

**[Alliance Personal Messaging Service]**

GALLOWS: Hey man, heard you saw your old Commander on Horizon

ALENKO: Yeah. What about it?

GALLOWS: Nothing, just wondered if it was weird seeing the dead come back to life

ALENKO: I guess

GALLOWS: Can’t believe that bitch is working for Cerberus now

ALENKO: Show some damn respect, that’s the saviour of the Citadel you’re talking about

GALLOWS: Hey calm down, you’re the one that tore her a new one, I read the reports

ALENKO: Not something I’m proud of

GALLOWS: You should be, she’s fucked over the Alliance

GALLOWS: Although I wouldn’t mind showing her who’s boss if you know what I mean, Shepard’s got that whole ‘I wanna fuck you right here right now look’ going on

ALENKO DISCONNECTED

* * *

 

**Please talk to me**

To: E. Shepard

Shepard,

I know you’re pissed at me but a reply would be nice. I’m really trying to figure things out between us but it won’t work if it’s just me.

I saw that interview you did with Al-Jilani, not that you could really call it an interview seeing as you just gave her a swift right hook to the jaw. I wish I could say you looked great but…you looked even worse than you did on Horizon. Is everything okay? Sometimes I’m not even sure it’s you in there when you look like that. Especially when you add the rumours of your various activities; you’re working with assassins and convicts now?

If you don’t reply to this then I’ll take the hint and leave you alone.

\--Kaidan

* * *

 

**Is Shepard getting my messages?**

To: M. Lawson

Miranda,

Are you certain Shepard’s getting my messages? I’ve sent her two now and I haven’t got a reply from either of them. It’s highly probable that she’s just ignoring me but I’d appreciate it if you just checked that she’d received them.

Commander Alenko

* * *

 

**[DELETED] Are you okay?**

To: K. Alenko

Hey Kaidan,

I heard about Horizon the other day and then I remembered that that’s where you were going. Is everything okay?! All the stuff I’ve been hearing is so crazy.

Well hey, if you’re back on the Citadel sometime soon I’d love hang out again.

Georgia xx

PS. OH! I also saw that Commander Shepard was back. Didn’t she used to be your old commander?

* * *

 

**< no subject>**

To: M. Lawson

Miranda,

This is the third message I’ve tried to send you. I don’t know whether you’re ignoring me or if you’re just not getting these, but please, at least let Shepard know I’ve tried to contact her. We left things in a bad way back on Horizon and…I just want her to know I’m thinking of her.

I saw a vid of her the other day and she didn’t look great. I’m worried.

I’ll try contacting you again in a couple of days.

Commander Alenko

* * *

 

**You’re being called back to Vancouver**

To: K. Alenko

Alenko, get your ass back to Earth, Alliance HQ wants a meeting, face-to-face. I’ve no doubt they want to discuss Horizon and get your personal input on seeing Shepard again. But I’ve also heard rumours of a promotion heading your way.

You need to forget about Shepard. For now at least. With everything that’s going on with the Collectors I think now’s our time to strike, the council need to hear everything we know about the Reapers and I think you’re the man to convince them. We should be able to get a meeting in a couple of weeks from now so get yourself prepared.

I’ll see you in Vancouver soon.

-Anderson

* * *

 

**Undelivered Mail Returned to Sender**

To: K. Alenko

Miranda,

This is the last message I’m going to try and get to you. I’ve been called back to Earth for Alliance business and I just thought Shepard should know.

Please keep her safe.

Commander Alenko

* * *

 

**RE: Request to see E. Shepard.**

To: K. Alenko

Major Alenko,

It is with regret that we must inform you that the Alliance is unable to provide you with the location of Ellen Shepard at this time. We keep the location of all our detainees private for security reasons, as I’m sure you are well aware.

We must also request that you do not interrogate the Alliance admin staff any further as they are also not permitted to give you the desired information.

Please do not message me again regarding this matter.

Kind regards,

G. Poole

Head of Alliance Security


End file.
